Empty Chaos

I feel apathetic but also dirty

like everything around me needs to be scrubbed raw

but I can’t even get up

my body feels heavy

like i’m made of dust and old air

I keep thinking if i could just clean something

maybe i’d feel more like myself

but i don’t even know who that is right now

there’s no thread to hold onto

no center

just this dull static in my head

each state i’m in carries its own kind of pain

numbness burns different than sadness

but it still burns

numbness feels like looking around at all the things you wish you could do

feeling like hundreds of people are pulling at your skin

twisting you in every direction

spinning you so fast you can’t find steadiness

it feels like sitting still, looking calm

but having someone inside of you bouncing around in your skeleton

pushing at the walls of you

screaming and yelling

and all you can do is stay very still

it’s having another part of you crying

tears flooding you

curled up and resting in your toes

it’s watching these reactions that are actually happening to you

again, you look calm

but there’s this existing within you that’s painful

and you’re numb

it’ll never make logical sense

and i can hear the contradiction as i write these words

but it’s the truth of how it feels

or maybe just how i see what’s going on in me

author’s note:

when i finished writing this the feelings feel a little less separate from myself and a little more a part of me.

i can feel my throat tighten, and the heaviness of my eyes holding back tears that i can’t handle yet.

i miss (L).

here come the tears because as i admitted to myself that i miss her, my octopus popped into my head.

holding me.

i just wish i could still have her being the one to be with me through this.