Decompose

I want to walk out into the middle of the woods and scream until no sound can escape from my mouth.

I want to punch a tree until the bark becomes my skin.

I want to fall apart and never get back up again.

I want to lay in the dirt and decompose, so I never have to feel the pain of not being enough..or being too much…ever again.

I feel like I’ve only gotten worse since therapy.

Maybe it’s that I’m realizing how much of me isn’t made for this world.

Maybe it’s that I can’t exist anywhere as myself and have it be okay.

Maybe it’s just that I hate who I am, and I don’t know how to be anyone else.

Maybe it’s that I’m just exhausted and tired of trying.

Maybe it’s all of it.

Maybe it’s the slow erosion of trying to be good, to be better, to be understood, while the world just keeps handing me reminders that it doesn’t know what to do with people like me.