Another Post About Grief—Sorry Folks

I sometimes feel like different people feeling different grief. Idk how to explain it. Like one second I’m saying “my feelings move” and the next I’m drowning in grief again. Sometimes it’s so painful I really can’t take a breath in.

When termination first happened, I blocked the practice on Instagram because I knew seeing her would be too difficult. But about five months ago I unblocked them and thought I would probably be okay, and I guess I’m not as okay as I thought I could be. And here’s where a bit of judgement comes in. Or maybe not judgement but anger about my grief.

I want to see her doing well. I want to be able to smile about that instead of crying when I see a photo of her. I don’t want to have to block them and never see her again. The thing is she looked so happy and so good, and that truly does make my heart fill up with joy for her. I also just idk… it brings me a lot of pain, I think, because I can’t talk to her and it doesn’t feel fair.

I went to block them again because I thought maybe I just need more time, but maybe I just need more exposure. Maybe time won’t do anything if I avoid facing how it makes me feel. It’s crazy… to love someone and feel pain around seeing them because you can’t talk to them.

Yeah, I guess I am judging myself for feeling this way, because I’m feeling like it’s ridiculous to be in this much pain after this much time.

All I keep thinking is life doesn’t feel fair and at the same time trying to be grateful that life even allowed us to cross paths to begin with.

I really just want to be able to feel joy for her joy without feeling like I’m falling apart.

It’s like waves honestly. From the start of this post I felt like I couldn’t take a breath in and now I feel like I’m on solid ground again.

I think part of me doesn’t want to admit that it’s my attachment system activating because it feels invalidating to the emotions I feel, but I know that’s part of it. Even if I’ve been avoiding naming it. I know that’s part of it.

Both things can be true. **shout out to years of therapy for this last part**😜

Authors note:

I’m going to work on this in therapy. I obviously am not getting anywhere trying to metabolize it alone. 😬